Dowager Doldrums
According to the Ten Commandments, one should Honour Thy Father and Mother. I'm all for that really. Filial piety is something that is quite inherent in our society. As children, we try our best but I guess nobody ever said it's gonna be easy. Lemme explain to you my complex relationship with my mother. I'll use a parable. Hehe. My mother is like a an active volcano that will erupt at any time and I'm the peasant tilling the soil at the base. The soil is rich and the crops are abundant. The harvest is plenty. However, the volcano is restless. Without warning, it could erupt and spew hot lava and ash. All doom and gloom. And the poor peasant has to run for his life and have his crops burn down into nothing. When things cool down, the peasant moves back in and starts anew.
I have been living with my mother (just her and me) for many-many years now. The rest of my siblings have always been away from home. I have been trained to the point that I can smell the "sulphur". She is "difficult" at times, but I have learned to handle that. I have trained myself to be patient with her. I have learned her style of reasoning (part of it anyway). I know how she likes things done. I tell myself not to react instinctively. To ignore. To smile. To smoothen my voice. To say it in a better way. To the point that sometimes, I find myself a bit fake. But what to do, that is the price of "peace" at home. I cannot live in an environment of simmering tempers, cold wars and walking on egg shells. So in order to make myself happy, I have to keep her happy. Oft times I give in. Is parental love like this? This post doesn't sound quite right. But it is what I feel sometimes. I really wish for peace. Sometimes I feel that she is giving herself too much pressure. She says she has let go regarding a lot of things, but I know it is not true. Sigh. I wonder how she sees me? What is a son to do? Ryan and Gratitude friends tell me to put my foot down, but I just can't do it at times....
P.S.: How she's having a "drama" with my sister... >_<"
I have been living with my mother (just her and me) for many-many years now. The rest of my siblings have always been away from home. I have been trained to the point that I can smell the "sulphur". She is "difficult" at times, but I have learned to handle that. I have trained myself to be patient with her. I have learned her style of reasoning (part of it anyway). I know how she likes things done. I tell myself not to react instinctively. To ignore. To smile. To smoothen my voice. To say it in a better way. To the point that sometimes, I find myself a bit fake. But what to do, that is the price of "peace" at home. I cannot live in an environment of simmering tempers, cold wars and walking on egg shells. So in order to make myself happy, I have to keep her happy. Oft times I give in. Is parental love like this? This post doesn't sound quite right. But it is what I feel sometimes. I really wish for peace. Sometimes I feel that she is giving herself too much pressure. She says she has let go regarding a lot of things, but I know it is not true. Sigh. I wonder how she sees me? What is a son to do? Ryan and Gratitude friends tell me to put my foot down, but I just can't do it at times....
P.S.: How she's having a "drama" with my sister... >_<"
Comments
Sometimes I talk to my parents like talking to my manager.., the pro and con, the benefits, a lot of justifications to "Sell" my ideas
I forgot to mention that sharing your concern with another elder who is close to Almighty Dowager is a good way to let the elder raise awareness that you are already a wonderful son to be caring so much for her and that she should be mindful to give you peace of mind to live your life too. It worked for me! Hope all turns out well. ^_^
+Ant+
p/s this post doesn't sound wrong at all. You are actually creating awareness to all readers, being the other sons and daughters that are away from home; to be more mindful to appreciate the love and sacrifice of their other siblings in responsibly taking care of the elders. :)
There should be a balance between both parties. There are times we have to stand firm to our grounds. It's kinda like flying a kite. Sometimes we have to pull back and sometimes we need to release. If we release to much, the string might snap. If we just keep pulling, it won't fly high in the skies and keep falling.
Need to make powerpoint or not? :P
@Grat:
Yeah lo. But like recently when I decided to put my foot down, she played an Ace. :S. Another elder? None lo. Thanks for the advice anyway! It was very useful and let me get something off my chest. We should start a club. :P
@BBear:
The middle path!
@LittleD:
But it eludes me!
@Savante:
Sometimes, time isn't on our side.
@SK:
Thanks for being someone I can talk to too!
-> i would hesitate to take this step if the other party isnt ready.. if she accepts the fact u have grown up, she is letting something go too... give her more time.. the patience u mentioned u have shown so far sounds good to me for the situation .. please remember one day the situation will b reversed when u grow older n she will b elderly. a lot of adjustments will need to b done
From my experience, I broke the ice during a conversation, and hope she understood. It was like "Mom, I love you, I care for you, I respect you in every way. And to let you know, I will listen to whatever you have to say but I may not do/follow what you tell me to do. I will think about what you say and what I should do before I decide on anything. I will also bear the consequences from whatever actions/decisions I take."
For standing your ground, only do it for certain things. Try to understand her feelings and do give in to her in some ways if you don't mind being passive. It helps in alot of situations.
my 2cents worth of comments...
p/s: you know your parent the best, use the words etc that will suit your situation best.
Anyway, this rule applies whereby the Dowager is always 'right' regardless espmoreso when you're living under the same roof. If question of shifting out is outta question, then I'm afraid to let ya knw, u juz gotta bear with her and have much patience and tolerance to give in every time. You don't expect an old hawk to change her character, do ya? "Kong san yee koi, poon sing lan ...". I don't see any other way feasible in dealing with her under such circumstances. I'm sure you'd tried talking with her and reasoning things out for the umpteenth time.
Your mother is equally scary.
@Beng2:
I'm already an adult and she's definitely a senior citizen lo...
@Ichi:
Hehe. Join the club.
@J:
It is true about the single parent part. She did mention it the other day, saying that "a widow is treated differently". :S. I try my best.
@Nase:
I agree. Just got to bear with it for now. Hopefully I can find some workarounds.
@All:
Thanks for all your insights! It has been very helpful. **group hug**
Want to know a secret to hasten the process? Move out. Seriously.