Thursday, December 10, 2009


As I was going through my flickr contacts' photos just now, I came across this photo...

For my father... ....who left us the evening of 1 Dec 2009.

That evening I saw the fattest glowing moon hanging over the Fez Medina. Ignorant, I basked in the glory of the moonlight which cast a long shadow behind me. Amidst us, the muezzins' calls for prayer rallied from the hills, culminating in the belly of the Medina.

Then death's silence broke; it felt like a million needles were piercing through my childhood, suffocating my hopes and choking my present.

It suddenly jolted my memory back to a dozen years ago. To the ICU where my dad sighed his last breath and left for God's pastures. I was 17 and I can still remember kneeling at the side of the bed, holding on to his lifeless hand. I did not know how to react. My eyes were dry. Did I not love my father? Was I heartless. My mother had lost it. They dragged her out. My mother hugged me and said,

"Your father is gone. What are we to do?!"

She sobbed and sobbed. And then, realization suddenly struck me. My heart broke. My tears came in torrents. The lost finally manifested itself. The mourning began. Today, we have all moved on. Every year we visit his grave during All Souls' Day or Chinese New Year. And whenever I'm in the hall, he looks down at me from the black and white photograph of him... but I know that he is really down at us everyday from Heaven.


Gratitude said...

The abandoned feline and her cubs have moved on very well.

Take comfort in that our Dads' (I lost him in 2003) presence will alwiz be felt, coz the bonds were too strong, and their love for us were too great.

Bravebear said...

hmm... when I think about my dad, all I have is the pain that he have caused. Not even a single sweet happy memory that I could hold on to. I have chosen to forget this person from my life.

But from time to time, I hear news of him from my relatives. I somehow wanna know how he is doing. But I don't want to meet him. I just don't know what to tell him.

Ppl always say that I look like my dad. I feel sad that I looked like him. He disgusts me with what he does. I even wished to change my surname so that ppl would stop relating me to my dad.

Fathers' Day has no meaning to me for this past 21 years.

Little Dove said...

People leave the world but they also leave big holes inside our heart. I guess what we can do now is cherish our loved ones who are still with us.

conan_cat said...

aww! this is one very emotional post indeed, william.

my dad is still around, and I guess i should treasure every moment i ever have with him, hmm?


you've moved on, and that's something to be proud of. we all grow, eventually. :')

orange-wee said...

ur dad will watch over u and ur family~

ichimaru akira said...

A major HUG for u

Twilight Zone said...

William, Anton and Bravebear! You guys moved my heart so late at night. Now I am worried I can't sleep later tossing in my bed feeling so emo. I am glad your Pa had made you a great person to live on and being friends with me.

Bravebear, I wish you could hear Michi's tales to ease your aches.

Evann said...

"Today, we have all moved on"

That reminds me of the first death anniversary of my 3rd step-grandmother. The pastor said that he remembered me a year ago, crying every minute during the 5-day wake. And a year later, I was cheery and even cracked a few jokes during the service. He said that it was a good thing because I've finally accepted that she was now in a better place. And I believe that's true.

I await the day our souls reunite again at heaven's gate. It's only a matter of time...

Jason said...

Seriously i did shivered when u said your father was watching you in the hall. I think you was much better, I did not cried when father was gone. Talking about heartless, I felt lost. I am the only one who saw him gone, yet he didn,t have any chance to tell me word. It happen too fast

SJ said...

hope tat you're much better now

A smile from SJ =)


william, now its ur responsibility to take care of ur mother now... be brave and strong, ur father will be glad u have been doing well for all these times

William said...

Yes, he will always be with us.

I hope you'll find peace in this issue in the future. *Hugs*

That hole has been patched. It hard not completely taking someone for granted at times. But as long as we snap out of it.

Spend more time with him. :)

I'm sure he is.


I'm sure you slept, or Anton would have complained of a late night call. :P

William said...


Why shiver? :). There is no right or wrong to dealing with loss.... *hugs*

I am. Thanks!

I will continue to strive. Thanks.

Twilight Zone said...

Whaaaaat !! Anton go telling the world of late night calls? Damn this Tun Fatimah's CB mulut... Phiak! Phiak!

William said...

True ah? It was a wild guess!!!

Gratitude said...

Of course it's's like the buzzing sound of a mosquito, a very BIG mosquito buzzing buzzing and irritating when you're safely tucked into bed at nite. :) lolz

Bengbeng said...

this post shook me with its intense emotional language