Doubting Thomas

A late bloomer. Something that I have tagged myself with, especially in realm of relationships and love. I wouldn't blame it on my parents, but sometimes I do wonder whether their displeasure of teenage "love" had anything to do with it.

"You can start dating after you finish your studies."

Does this sound familiar? Most parents use the exact same line. Most children don't give a shit. Unfortunately, I was born with the obedience gene, where one is biologically unable to resist parental commands. Or perhaps I was just a loser. Heh. Anyway, I now know and admit that my late venture into love is deeply rooted in my psyche and I guess it has now only started to unravel. But that's for another time to kupas.

As usual, my introduction has now passed the threshold from "sligtly long-winded" to "draggy", so I'll just get to the point. I hooked up with my Significant Other, KH at the end January 2007 and we just recently celebrated our 5th month anniversary. As expected, It kinda slipped my mind and I only realized when I received an sms on my way to work. It's funny that when relationships are starting out, every single day can be considered a milsestone but when things go along, we might not care as much anymore. Imagine being with someone for twenty years, to actually celebrate your 240th
anniversary is kinda overdoing it and it would seems like marking the days that it would end rather than celebrating a new day with each other.

Before my Significant Other or any of you get me wrong, I'm not being cynical, OK, just making a "realistic" observation. I definitely enjoy these small gestures from KH. It's very important that he remebers these things as I am inherently forgetful and quite the unromantic boyfriend. But I try. I digress again. Since this is my first relationship, I cling to it like my life depended on it. I am insecure with myself. I think too much. My mind cooks up 101 scenarios. I play these what if's over and over again in my mind. I jump to conclusions. I guess it's the distance. I guess I'm playing mind games with myself. Poking holes in my own boat.

I really feel that my doubts and fears have somehow hurt my relationship, putting a strain where none exist. However, I'm glad that I actually talked it out with KH and I have come to a realization that when in doubt, one should really ask. If the answer you receive does not convince you, then it is an issue of trust which I guess can strangle any relationship. I shall now endeavour to live Mel's principle:

"Don't think so much. Just enjoy it."

So simple, yet I was unable to do it. From now on, I shall kick back and relax. Putting things on auto-pilot does not mean that we can't look at the radar once in a while and release some anti-missile flares when trouble appears over the horizon. I think everything is gonna be OK. I think everything is better now. I know it.

Comments

Fitri said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said…
Hey dear

I have been told i think too much too, but those are more factual, like analysis and hypothesis.

I don't blame u for thinking too much, coz I didn't tell u properly what happened. Communication is key. Context is essential.

As I've said, when in doubt, ask. No point creating various scenarios (scenario analysis anyone? ;P) based on your own assumptions, which may not be correct.

I'll try to be patient, ask and I answer and I shall answer till u are satisfied.

Doubt and fear is normal, coz u love me & don't want to lose me. Neither do I.

I love you dear *hugs*

KH
Fitri said…
Time will be the factor and experience will be the best teacher to guide us to deal with relationship.

Honestly ... I was like you before .. it was really hurting ... but now...I think I'm wiser (a bit if not lots more)

Yeah ... COMMUNICATIONM is one of the key.
Anonymous said…
Yeah,dear. You memang not a romantic 'bf'. Learn from ur bro la :P. He suprises me lots. So, some suprises for me when I'm back ya. Hehe...
Anonymous said…
don't blame yourself, running various scenec and jumping to conclusions jsut makes you human. Ask when in doubt, think before saying anything and enjoy the bliss..:) A relationship is as complicated as you want it to be.
Janvier said…
Good that you've let it off your chest.
Pike-chan said…
congrats on your anniversary and wish many more anniversaries coming your way with KH.
savante said…
Exactly why Calvin and I don't really mark the days :p Sheer laziness could be part of it tho!
MrBunnyBan said…
Hrm. I suggest regular visits to Singapore, in spite of the inconvenience. Or vice versa. Don't let it drag out distant for too long. Trust me on this.
Vengelyne said…
Relationships... ah, the department that I fail so miserably in. I'm so jaded by it that I don't even want to consider turning lesbo anymore (which I was contemplating a few weeks back). Lol.

You'll do great. And KH's comment to you is so sweet. =)

And I totally agree with not thinking too much... it kinda spoils the moment when you do(based on my past experience lah).
Little Prince said…
well kick back and relax is fine but don't take things forgranted. ;o)
Anonymous said…
Anonymous
'Love is a gift, not an obligation, follow your heart and always trust the person you love.'

Something i've read and memorised this morning :) cheers!

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